Dear Social Media Addicts

On Tumblr it's ok to be weird, On Twitter it's ok to be smart, On FB you just stalk stalk stalk.
— Mala Sharma (@malacules) May 20, 2013

We all like to think our sanity and self-control persists despite an overuse of social media.

Did your suite mate unfollow you on Twitter? Don't overthink it. Her unfollow doesn't necessarily mean your friendship is invalid. Perhaps your tweets have simply overpowered her feed, or perhaps you don't tweet enough. Have you ever considered the fact that it's not all about you? Maybe she's going through a rough time and wants a virtual disconnection from her established bubble of tweeting peers. Whatever you do, don't you dare call her up at 2:30am to yell at her for unfollowing you. She'll think you're loca.

scroll. click. scroll. refresh. repeat. uh-oh don't let anyone watch you kill the refresh button.

 close tab. reopen recently closed tab. close tab. reopen same tab. This is an even worse habit.

Your recurring social media binges are significant. The content you imbibe habitually affects you, especially your psyche. Avoid negativity unless you want to spur your own negative, cynical spirit.
Don't let extremism evoke resulting extremist nature from your own self. Evade the perusal of your peers banal quotidian sentiments if their content bears the nature of artificial sugar or corrosive acid. Know who your friends are. De-friending, unfollowing, deleting, and eliminating from the face of your cyber sphere is a form of internet catharsis. Allow yourself to reduce the number of parasitic relationships you incur. You have no use for someone's useless thoughts? It's okay. Click responsibly. There is no need to continue to Like what you secretly dislike, no need to favorite that Tweet which you have no respect for.

Eliminate FOMO {Fear of Missing Out} by choosing your social following consciously.

I Am The Bengal Tiger.

Your Stars are My Stripes I.

College should make me better not worse.

You can lecture me, but not with force.

I have the mindfulness of a hummingbird;

I focus my wit,
 my attention

on the nectar of your thoughts-stirred

I have the attentiveness of a retriever;
I fetch your object,

your immediate desire

in my desire to make you a perceiver

I have the libido of a dolphin;
I crave your caress
your playfulness
without the wakefulness of your chagrin

I have the vigor of a tenacious little ant;

I saunter through work,

through tasks unfinished
in grasp of greater goals They’ll grant.

Your Stars are My Stripes II.

College should make me better not worse.
You can lecture me, but not with force.

I am a representative of my species,

striving to be

an outlier of statistics,

listening to see

 anything but CNN,

revolving past
the esoteric filter bubbles,

above the accepted and amassed

Oh, THS, I deflect and reflect your opinions

I sign my name, my legal identity away,

we vote no with fists clamped powerfully shut

 and yaay with vulnerable fingers spread

we give superficial care to your dominions

We purchase the diploma under the guise

that with it, comes not misery,

but allow me to surmise:

a brain Made not in China,

rather with lies.

 Our institutionalized minds may have Magellan-ed

in places afar,

where we pander to capitalists
whose faces stay unmarred

The Presidents themselves

are little more,

than rainbowed statues

whose minds we ignore.

I am the Bengal Tiger,

lithe, nonchalant by day,

omniverous for knowledge,

yet passive-aggressive by night.

                             -poems written by Mala S. Sharma

Questions For High Society

1. Do the models in pre-placed picture frame photos by the frame and just keep it as is?
 (Christopher Hudspeth from 19 Things To Do When You Stay Up Until 5 A.M.)

2. Why is staying hydrated a problem even in first world countries like the USA?

3. Why do I challenge all boundaries while remaining complacent and obedient at face value?

4. Do my hormones make me horny, lusty, romantic, or any other clichéd emotional charge, or do I inflict such hormonal emotions upon myself?


5. Is intellectual pursuit as lucrative as rote memorization?


6. Is consumerism a disease?

7. Why can't I quit the Internet?? Why??
(Geeta Sharma from her Twitter account @GSharms21)

I'm so unable to quit the internet.... Whhyyyy
— Geeta Sharma (@GSharms21) April 8, 2013

8. What happens when the term "hipster" has suddenly become blatantly mainstream?  


9. If humans naturally seek happiness, why do we go through so much effort to act miserable, constantly complaining on Facebook and posting lame #FirstWorldProblems on Twitter?


10. Why are elements of the media not considered professional unless they've been censored, auto-tuned, Photoshopped, and essentially stripped of all organic sentiment?

Millennial Quiz

Take this quiz to figure out just how much of a millennial you truly are.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Be More Productive

    Put your smartphone away. Just kidding how can you do anything without your Google Calendar? Oh wait, you have five Facebook notifications. Just gotta check those really quick, right? I mean what if your high school crush finally poked you back? This could be important.

2. Organize Your Things

    Start with your fridge. For every five Gala apples, throw in a bottle of San Pellegrino and a wheel of Brie de Meaux. Now every time you walk that well-traveled route from futon to mini-fridge you can pretend you actually have some distinction above your fellow Ben & Jerry's Bingers and Easy Mac Addicts. Now, for that pile of paperwork on your desk...

3. Boost Your Confidence

    Remove and sell away all the mirrors from your living space, but be careful not to break any, because that's just bad luck. Replace each mirror with a skinny mirror (i.e. not exactly a funhouse mirror). Now you can fool yourself into thinking you're actually attractive. 

4. Start a Business or Get a Stable Job

    You think your Lemonade Stand business proposition is actually some kind of original, life-fulfilling career choice? You're right. It's better than wasting away behind the ever encroaching walls of some office cubicle with a dorky picture of your family on your cork board and a desk fan that doesn't blow well enough. (pun intended)

5. Be More Friendly and Approachable

    Forget about joining a weekly yoga class or actually giving a flying fig about caring for other people. Just get a pack of those Crest Whitening Strips and practice smiling like a constipated sales agent every morning. You'll realize it's all just indigestion anyway and being a nice person will start coming naturally to you just like getting in debt did.

6. Learn How to Cook

    Flip on FoodNetwork and spend a couple hours with Iron Chef. Go to your nearest department store and purchase every RachelRay kitchen appliance that looks appealing. Come home and realize your fridge is empty except for some moldy Brie and an unopened Absolut on the side door. Go return all your dumb kitchen gadgets and crash on your futon with  frustration. Speed dial your friend Hong Li from Panda Heaven. Tell him you want "the usual."

7. Quit Smoking

    Text Nicotine tonight and tell her to call because you need to talk. Explain to her how things just don't seem to be working out anymore like they used to, but don't let her know that you're dumping her for that OG Kush. She'll find out anyway when she stalks your profile pictures for the next three months.

8. Shift from Alcohol to Healthy Drinks

    Okay so, chasing 151 with Miller Lights and Heineken every weekend isn't helping you out so much with the whole "let's be salubrious" idea. Some people prescribe coconut water as the best pre-pre-gaming tonic to avoid the morning-after-hangover. Others swear by cactus juice. Why not skip the whole hangover episode altogether by fighting fire with fire: just get drunk all over again. But that's only dumb-college-kid-speaks type advice. Instead, just avoid drinks with high congener content and say "Salute."

9. Be a Vegetarian for 30 Days

    Have you been a carnivore come omnivore your whole life? Can't imagine how vegetarians get their protein? Well, congratulations. You are officially a misinformed, brainwashed by the FDA, average American consumer. But don't worry. I don't blame you. The truth is you don't need "The Other White Meat," nor do you need to follow the "Got Milk" campaign. Go vegan, or as Oprah advocates, be "vegan-ish." The average American doesn't need to bulk up on such an obsessive high-protein diet, and most dairy products actually decrease your body's calcium levels. Don't believe me? Just check out Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease.        

10. Share Knowledge With Others

    If you're tweeting about your soggy breakfast cereal, you're missing the point. And sharing your latest cat video discoveries is not an enlightening activity for yourself or others. Watch TED, and no I don't mean the Seth MacFarlane comedy film. Get on that NPR trip. Subscribe to debka.com and consider what advice you wish someone gave you ten years ago. Then share that advice with someone and have a meaningful life discussion (whatever that means), because honestly, Siri's been getting tired of listening to you.    

a satire of "Why Do People Fail in Their New Year's Resolutions" from www.2012resolutions.org